It’s My Turn

A year ago right now I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. I was trying to single-handedly save a doomed relationship with a nice guy who made crap decisions. Even though I know I need to continue moving on, I can’t help but think, every day, “well, this time last year I was doing this.” And yes, I remember exactly what was happening each day. I was putting so much of myself into trying to “rescue” him that I lost a part of myself, which to this day I have yet to get back, if I ever will. I started having severe, text-book panic attacks, so much that there is a two-week period of my life that I have absolutely no recollection of. Which, now that I think about it, is probably a blessing. It took me so long, SO LONG to admit to myself that I was helpless (that’s a big issue I have, I don’t believe in being helpless, unless you’re a baby. Which if you were, you wouldn’t be reading this now), I took me so long to realize that I couldn’t help him anymore, and that I deserved better. Once I came to that realization, I had to find a way to tell him, and to brace myself against the onslaught of abandonment accusations and other things that he threw at me.  And it hurt. It hurt me to hurt him because despite everything, he is a decent human being who just makes some very bad decisions and I care about him still. But, I can’t do anything for him.

So this brings us to one of the major reasons I left Sioux Falls. Sioux Falls is a great city, and I’m so grateful that I was raised there. But now it holds some memories that I just can’t be around, both related and unrelated to this relationship. Now, you can look at this as me running away from my problems and quite honestly I don’t give a damn if that’s what you think. It’s a fresh start for me, and it’s one that I should have taken a long, long time ago. Probably when I entered college. But everything comes back to haunt you.

I heard last night that he messed up again and is facing the consequences for his actions. Which is what needs to happen for him to get better, but it brings back all the hurt and disappointment and fear that I was feeling a year ago, albeit to a far lesser degree. It makes me sad for him, and it makes me feel like I should be able to do something…anything. And I know I can’t. Back to being helpless.

February 9, 2009 I was facing panic attacks, certain I wasn’t going to make it through the day. February 9, 2010, I know I can make it through anything. I’m writing this, sitting at my desk in Minneapolis, thinking that a year ago right now, I wouldn’t have even dreamed about moving, let alone actually think about it. And so I know that I’m not going to let this piece of information bring me down, nor will I try to go rescue. That’s what I do. I rescue. Everyone but me.

It’s my turn.

Beth

Update

I finally took the final steps towards making my move even more official and contacted insurance companies and looked into finding new doctors. That is definitely not the best part of moving, but a necessary evil. It feels good to have the ball rolling in getting everything done. I may have waited a little too long in a couple areas which will cause me to have to make a trip to SF at the end of February, but I suppose there’s no real harm in that. I was just hoping not to have to go back there till May. But it will be nice to see my friends-especially my friends Rob and Sonja and their boys who I didn’t get to see last time because of a medical emergency! You guys are top on my list!

Things are going splendidly in Mpls! I am loving my job at Jungle Red, and our fundraiser party on Saturday was a huge success! I even made a short speech and didn’t fall of the stage or anything, haha! I am also writing a blog for Jungle Red, which will help build my portfolio. Check it out here!

Time for bed-good night!

Until next time,

Beth

Into the Jungle

Jungle Red that is! I am going to be a marketing/PR assistant at Jungle Red, a really trendy salon/spa located in downtown Minneapolis! Let me tell you, this place is neat.  In addition to the traditional salon and spa services offers, Jungle Red really works to not only be a member of the community but support it as well! Let me tell you a little about Jungle Red…

When you walk through the door, you immediately think of “a New York City art loft” as my roommate and co-worker stated. The atmosphere is laid back and friendly. The stylists are upbeat and ready to help you create the look you’ve been dying for! And the place is filled with original artwork.

Here’s the neat thing about the artwork: it’s all done by local artists; Jungle Red builds relationships with these local artists and showcases and sells their artwork! What a great way to help up-and-coming artists get a foot in the door! The art that is on display now is amazing…there is some neat talent wandering around the Twin Cities!

This is a great opportunity for me to build relationships in the Twin City area and get my foot in the door of the PR/Marketing world. I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place for me-only a month and a half after I moved here! I mean really, it hasn’t been that long. I feel like I’ve been here forever, though. Which means that this is my home, that it’s good that I made the decision to move here.  I know that earlier on I claimed that I wasn’t sure if this was the right move-but that was just fear talking. That was my panic-me talking. Did I mention that I have panic attacks? My Panic-me tells me that I can’t do things, but that’s not true and I darn well know it. So here I am, continuing on the most exciting adventure yet. I’m meeting people and getting into the world I want to be in.

Until then,

Beth